She's like a pop up book from hell.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He better not be in your backpack
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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