Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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