forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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