I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
