please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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