and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
