What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
