so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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