singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
