DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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