Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
