I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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