Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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