sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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