A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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