Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
