bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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