Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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