I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
