Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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