Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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