even my farts smell like vagina
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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