wakey wakey hands off snakey
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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