Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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