I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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