Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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