i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
