My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
