Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
