i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
