I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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