update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
