Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
