My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
