Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
