Hippo gnu deer
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
