i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I deserve this hangover.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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