someone owes me an orgasm
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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