sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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