Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
