I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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