my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
