so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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