i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
