After last night, I could never be a politician.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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