Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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