I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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