with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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