i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
