i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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