why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
